And the ones that you don't
That define what you will be
What you are and what you seek
- Mercedes Lackey, "Choices"*
Life is choice. There is no denying this. Every time I hear someone say "I can't" when they're talking about personality issues, it makes me crazy. The only time I don't want to smack the man who says "I have no choice" is when I understand that what he really means is "I have no good choice" -- and it is rare that I think people really mean that.
Do I stay where I live now, despite the fact it will make me poor, or move in with my family when my lease expires in August? Do I tell Elli the things that I'm dealing with internally, or do I choose to "shield" her from my deeper problems? Do I hand the guy with the knife my wallet and my keys, or do I fight? Do I keep my cell phone, or give up the convenience to save myself some money? Do I keep acting like an asshole, or do I change my behavior so people actually like to spend time with me? Do I tell people when I'm depressed, or hide it?
Sometimes life gives us choices. Sometimes there isn't a good choice, but there is a choice. People need to learn to live with -- or at least accept -- that where they are is largely a matter of choice.
Yes, sometimes bad luck hits us. Sometimes, bad things aren't really our fault. But when you get down to it, that's really a small amount of the crap in your life.
My parents were assholes. They raised me in a horrible way, which led to me being an angry and rather unstable young man, despite appearances. I was always on the edge of life, always contemplating going over that edge. But you know what? Eventually I chose to live.
A couple of years ago I was a very angry man, often mean to even my friends. If you look back at my LJ from that time you'll find all sorts of entries where I tell people "This is who I am. Either be my friend or not, but get over it." I talked about how my emotions are not like everyone else's, about how I am "not like you", how I should be excused for my behavior.
Rubbish. Every bit of it. YES, my mother and father abused me. YES, that created psychological scars, some of which persist. YES, that gave me a shaky start. But you know what? Eventually, I had to pull my head out of my ass and realize that only *I* was truly responsible for my behavior. And if I wanted to keep my friends, I had to stop being such a jackass. I made a choice.
If you complain that people tend to slowly distance themselves from you, and eventually just fade out of your life, that this is an ongoing thing, then maybe you should look at the choices you've made that got you there. It may be that you distance yourself from them, too. See, I used to do that. Every few years, people would drift out of my life. It stopped when I pulled my head out of my ass and stopped being an asshole. It could also be that you just keep choosing flaky, stupid people to befriend; that's another choice.
Similarly, If you "can't" approach people, you "can't" call people up and say "Hey, let's hang out," you can't approach someone with a problem you have with them, then you've made a choice. Stop complaining that no one calls you. It isn't your friends' job to be your Cruise Director and steer you through your social life. And maybe, just maybe, your refusal to take the initiative has tired them out, ormade them think you really don't care. Take charge.
I'm broke. A lot. This sucks, but the fact is it's largely because of choices I made, which is why I only really bitch when it gets too much to bear stoically. I wasn't fired from EMH, I chose to leave. I chose to go through a temporary period of being broke as hell to put my future back on track. Guess what? Hindsight shows that it wasn't, in fact, the best choice -- it wasn't what was killing my soul, after all. But I made the choice, and now I have to live with it. So it goes ...
Can you learn the lesson there
Do just more than just regret
Or decieve yourself
With all that you pretend?
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