Almost two years ago, I made a very big mistake. It's not one I think I can fix, but I'm trying anyway, at least as much as I believe it possible. But in the interests of getting it off my chest, here's the story:
I met
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khanfused 13 years ago, just after High School. Through him, I was introduced to the Fandom community of Sacramento. I've never been entirely sure if I should thank him for that or beat him senseless.
When I was 24, we had a falling out -- I was going through a rough time, and dealing with emerging feelings for a guy I'd just met,
and a delayed adolescence. I broke up with my longtime girlfriend, and fell out of touch with Khanfused, both by his choice and my own -- we just stopped calling each other.
I moved several times, and grew up a bit, and a year later realized I missed him. I got in touch, and we slowly at first, then more quickly, built up a friendship again.
Fast forward to 2001. We've been hanging out for years again, along with another friend. I was having a LOT of issues at the time, this time having to do with a slowly disintegrating relationship and an inappropriate one with someone else, and things got to me.
Khanfused has always been, by his own admission, a social late bloomer. He's got some issues of his own I won't reveal because it isn't my place to do so, and sometimes they make him difficult to deal with. And in my anger at myself, and my frustration with my life, I picked the wrong target. Instead of admitting that I'm
no less difficult to know than Khan, instead of realizing that I was just going through a rough patch and was frustrated with hanging out with the same people all the time, and, I must admit in all candor, because I was unwilling to share a group of friends that hadn't included Khan, I lashed out. I simply cut him from my life with a letter I should never have sent.
What I
should have done was ask for some space, so I could think. What I
should have done was just tell my friend the truth about what I was going through, what was happening to me, and seek his understanding and help. What I
should have done was help him -- and myself -- to either change or get over the (really rather minor when I think about it at this late date) personality conflicts that had sprung up between us. Instead, I hurt him. I said unkind and terrible things, and although I thought I was trying not to be cruel, I realized -- too late -- that I had failed. No matter how polite the letter, no matter the truths buried in it, I fucked up.
And now someone who was once one of my oldest and truest friends, I am told by another mutual friend, hates me.
There are those who will say I have reaped what I have sown, and they'd be right. But I have never been one to leave well enough alone.
khanfused, if you should chance to read this, I understand that you're probably done with me for this lifetime, and I cannot really blame you -- for how could you trust me not to do this again, should we reconcile? I get that, I really do.
But if you're willing, I'd like the opportunity to talk with you, to try to air our problems with each other. We have far too many friends in common to be so opposed to each other, and I'd like to try, even if it's stupid and futile, to close the gap between us, even if only a little bit.
And if it's not possible, then I will say this: I failed you as a friend, and I am sorry for that. Be well.
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