![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Mar. 11th, 2003 06:30 am
(no subject)
We are all of us made equally of our own self-image and the reflection of how we are seen by others. When we interact, we interact primarily with the concepts of each other we hold in our minds. This is unavoidable and shall be until we all obtain telepathic bonding with each other. Even people who have been lovers for years still don't know the entirety of their lover, no matter what they think. If this wasn't the case, people wouldn't continue to be surprised when their husbands or wives of 20-odd years have affairs. This has been on my mind a lot lately, both because of my own behavior and that of my friends.
I have been thought by some of my friends to be depressed more often than I am, to be unhappy and negative. And the reality is, that's the version of me they hold in their minds -- it certainly isn't how I feel most of the time. By the same token, I think certain of my friends have some severe personality flaws they don't think they have. These inequalities in how we see each other cause strife in our friendships.
As a past example: Gregory once said that when we first lived together back in the mid-90's, I was much happier then than I am now. That's how he saw me at that time. Reading my journals from that time, however, tells a different story. I was, at that time, scared more oftan than not. I had no good job, I didn't know where I was going to come up with rent most months, I had massive relationship problems, and was very depressed most of the time. Both images are valid, both tell part of the story. But you can't know who I really was then unless you put them both together.
It isn't just emotional/mental, either. I know I'm overweight. But when I look in a mirror or see a picture, I realize -- over and over -- that I'm much more fat than my self-image. I'm way bigger than I feel like I am without an external picture to show me. I know of a few people who I know don't see themselves as being as large as they are, either.
This is annoying as hell.
The question is, how do you reconcile the two? How do you just learn to accept that you and others have different ways of seeing the same person? It's all very well to say "well, that's the way it is, get over it", but let's face it, that's no help when you're angry with someone over behavior they refuse to admit to, or they're angry with you over something you don't think you did wrong? All too frequently, disagreements among my friends devolve into "Yes you are"/"No I'm not" arguments.
(Aside -- despite my stated intent to not censor myself in these entries, I'm still averse to naming names. I'm beginning to wonder if they aren't seperate issues.)
Edit: Here's perhaps a better way of looking at it. When I talk to Christian in Germany online, I'm not interacting with Chris as he really is, but with an image of him in my mind, which I've built up over various conversations. It may or may not be accurate, but it certainly won't be complete and true.
The same is true of interactions among the Six, or any other human/group of humans. We can never ever get beyond our own reflection of that person -- to know them as they know themselves is impossible. But at the same time, that person isn't just their own self image, but the sum of their self image and our reflection of them.
Does that make more sense?
(Post removed from All Access filter: Doesn't fit)
I have been thought by some of my friends to be depressed more often than I am, to be unhappy and negative. And the reality is, that's the version of me they hold in their minds -- it certainly isn't how I feel most of the time. By the same token, I think certain of my friends have some severe personality flaws they don't think they have. These inequalities in how we see each other cause strife in our friendships.
As a past example: Gregory once said that when we first lived together back in the mid-90's, I was much happier then than I am now. That's how he saw me at that time. Reading my journals from that time, however, tells a different story. I was, at that time, scared more oftan than not. I had no good job, I didn't know where I was going to come up with rent most months, I had massive relationship problems, and was very depressed most of the time. Both images are valid, both tell part of the story. But you can't know who I really was then unless you put them both together.
It isn't just emotional/mental, either. I know I'm overweight. But when I look in a mirror or see a picture, I realize -- over and over -- that I'm much more fat than my self-image. I'm way bigger than I feel like I am without an external picture to show me. I know of a few people who I know don't see themselves as being as large as they are, either.
This is annoying as hell.
The question is, how do you reconcile the two? How do you just learn to accept that you and others have different ways of seeing the same person? It's all very well to say "well, that's the way it is, get over it", but let's face it, that's no help when you're angry with someone over behavior they refuse to admit to, or they're angry with you over something you don't think you did wrong? All too frequently, disagreements among my friends devolve into "Yes you are"/"No I'm not" arguments.
(Aside -- despite my stated intent to not censor myself in these entries, I'm still averse to naming names. I'm beginning to wonder if they aren't seperate issues.)
Edit: Here's perhaps a better way of looking at it. When I talk to Christian in Germany online, I'm not interacting with Chris as he really is, but with an image of him in my mind, which I've built up over various conversations. It may or may not be accurate, but it certainly won't be complete and true.
The same is true of interactions among the Six, or any other human/group of humans. We can never ever get beyond our own reflection of that person -- to know them as they know themselves is impossible. But at the same time, that person isn't just their own self image, but the sum of their self image and our reflection of them.
Does that make more sense?
(Post removed from All Access filter: Doesn't fit)
