Jan. 2nd, 2026 12:05 pm
2026? What's happened?
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johnstonmrMy last post was in 2024? I skipped almost two years. Huh. Here's what's happened:
The big one is, I've separated from my wife and we're in the process of divorce. There was no big event that caused this, but a series of small changes in both of us. We were okay (not GREAT, but okay) until the Pandemic, when we started going bad in a big way. And neither of us really seemed to care or, in my case, even notice. In my defense, I was neck-deep in Depression and having some scary thoughts about that.
Then I got TMS therapy, which is where they use a magnet to stimulate your brain and reawaken the nerve pathways that aren't working in Depressed people. And HOLY SHIT, folks--my Depression lifted. I began treatment in late June 2025, and by August I wasn't really depressed at all.
And that's where some of the problems became obvious. Now, unknown to me, my wife had already pretty much withdrawn from the relationship. She'd been in therapy for a couple of years, and basically worked her way to realizing she wasn't in love with me anymore. Some of that was my fault, and some was not. I'll leave most of that unrevealed, but will discuss it privately with friends if you want to. Anyway, as I came out of my Depression, I began to realize two things: 1) I wasn't really in love with her anymore, though I still love her, and 2) My bisexuality had been fragile in the beginning (I was always clear that I was far more interested in men than women, but had fallen for my wife and married her thinking I'd always be with her), and was now gone. I'm totally gay, and not sexually interested in women at all.
In late August, I came home from work and the wife started a conversation about our relationship. She revealed how she felt. I said I felt the same way. And then she asked the question that changed everything:
"Can we get it back? Do we want to try to?"
And I could not lie to her. So I told her the truth, and these are my exact words as I remember them: "I'd like to try, but I'm not sure I can. I'm finding myself much more interested in men than women these days."
She'd suspected as much. We talked more, and what we came to was that we needed to divorce, but that we care for each other as people and we're not enemies. And since then, there've been good days and bad days, but largely I feel like it's still true. We're trying to end things amicably, and we've reached an agreement on assets that lets her keep the house, with the plan being to pass it on to our 18 year old daughter eventually.
I am grateful for the life we had, and the time we spent together. But we grew in different directions, and now we're forging our own paths ahead. It's not easy, and it's not painless, and it's probably not as clean as I'm presenting it here. We both made mistakes, but nobody cheated on anyone and nobody meant to hurt anyone. Regardless, we hurt each other to varying degrees, and we have to deal with that. We're both in therapy at this point, separately, and working on our own crap.
I'm still writing, and it's going slow, but I'm working on it.
The big one is, I've separated from my wife and we're in the process of divorce. There was no big event that caused this, but a series of small changes in both of us. We were okay (not GREAT, but okay) until the Pandemic, when we started going bad in a big way. And neither of us really seemed to care or, in my case, even notice. In my defense, I was neck-deep in Depression and having some scary thoughts about that.
Then I got TMS therapy, which is where they use a magnet to stimulate your brain and reawaken the nerve pathways that aren't working in Depressed people. And HOLY SHIT, folks--my Depression lifted. I began treatment in late June 2025, and by August I wasn't really depressed at all.
And that's where some of the problems became obvious. Now, unknown to me, my wife had already pretty much withdrawn from the relationship. She'd been in therapy for a couple of years, and basically worked her way to realizing she wasn't in love with me anymore. Some of that was my fault, and some was not. I'll leave most of that unrevealed, but will discuss it privately with friends if you want to. Anyway, as I came out of my Depression, I began to realize two things: 1) I wasn't really in love with her anymore, though I still love her, and 2) My bisexuality had been fragile in the beginning (I was always clear that I was far more interested in men than women, but had fallen for my wife and married her thinking I'd always be with her), and was now gone. I'm totally gay, and not sexually interested in women at all.
In late August, I came home from work and the wife started a conversation about our relationship. She revealed how she felt. I said I felt the same way. And then she asked the question that changed everything:
"Can we get it back? Do we want to try to?"
And I could not lie to her. So I told her the truth, and these are my exact words as I remember them: "I'd like to try, but I'm not sure I can. I'm finding myself much more interested in men than women these days."
She'd suspected as much. We talked more, and what we came to was that we needed to divorce, but that we care for each other as people and we're not enemies. And since then, there've been good days and bad days, but largely I feel like it's still true. We're trying to end things amicably, and we've reached an agreement on assets that lets her keep the house, with the plan being to pass it on to our 18 year old daughter eventually.
I am grateful for the life we had, and the time we spent together. But we grew in different directions, and now we're forging our own paths ahead. It's not easy, and it's not painless, and it's probably not as clean as I'm presenting it here. We both made mistakes, but nobody cheated on anyone and nobody meant to hurt anyone. Regardless, we hurt each other to varying degrees, and we have to deal with that. We're both in therapy at this point, separately, and working on our own crap.
I'm still writing, and it's going slow, but I'm working on it.
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