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Feb. 21st, 2012 05:08 pm
What-might-have-been, redux
Today is my mother's birthday. Had she lived past her 27th, she'd be 61 today.
Traditionally, this has been a day of vague sadness for me--thinking about what might have been is a depressing pastime when your actual life was so full of abuse and fear--but "middle" age has brought me some clarity. My mother was messed up, and her drug use resulted many times in my aunt finding me sitting in my crib crying with a nasty diaper while my mom was passed out on the couch. The odds are that had she not died that night, my life would have been better in some ways, and worse in others. She was no saint, The likelihood is that I would have had the same life I did, but I might have known the woman who gave birth to me. Which sucks, but what can you do? I lived the life I got, and while there are some memories I wouldn't mind losing forever, it got me to a good place. My career may be under attack by the pedagogues, but I have one. I have a good wife, and a beautiful daughter who will never know the bad side of our family as anything but a story dad tells sometimes that makes him a little sad. I can't really complain.
Traditionally, this has been a day of vague sadness for me--thinking about what might have been is a depressing pastime when your actual life was so full of abuse and fear--but "middle" age has brought me some clarity. My mother was messed up, and her drug use resulted many times in my aunt finding me sitting in my crib crying with a nasty diaper while my mom was passed out on the couch. The odds are that had she not died that night, my life would have been better in some ways, and worse in others. She was no saint, The likelihood is that I would have had the same life I did, but I might have known the woman who gave birth to me. Which sucks, but what can you do? I lived the life I got, and while there are some memories I wouldn't mind losing forever, it got me to a good place. My career may be under attack by the pedagogues, but I have one. I have a good wife, and a beautiful daughter who will never know the bad side of our family as anything but a story dad tells sometimes that makes him a little sad. I can't really complain.