Some bits of (mental) Anatomy of Mahdi

One of the things my wife complains about--and it's an entirely fair complaint, and also one of the things I like least about myself--is my tendency to "store up" anger and let it out in giant blasts of power and fury.

I'll be mildly irritated at something, usually something that comes up once in a while, and think to myself that it's relatively minor and stupid to be annoyed, so I ought to keep it to myself. And I do.

Until the day Elli (or whomever applies, but as she's my wife, it's usually at her) gets angry at me about something and says something that, intentionally or not, puts me on the defensive. And then I let all that stored up anger I didn't even consciously realize I was carrying out in one big plasma-flame of righteous anger. Which, 99% of the time, translates into English as "I say something incredibly mean and over-stated I will have a hell of a time ever living down."

Such an occurrence happened tonight; I let a common and relatively minor issue become a Giant Issue of Doom and said something awful. Not good.

I've tried to not do this--to let out minor issues as they come up instead of storing them up for a Death Blossom* or something. But it's somehow nearly impossible. I was just trained too well as a child to hold things in, for a couple of reasons.

First, I learned to hide my emotions as much as possible, because my adopted mother would use them against me whenever she had the chance. Everything, from anger to my love for my aunt or my missing my mother, would become a weapon to be used against me. Only my closest friends know how hellish that place was for me as a kid. I don't mean to suggest that it was ALWAYS hell; there were good times. But the bad times were, to abuse English grammar for a bit, Really Bad.

Second, I had a LOT of anger as a young man, and I tended to hit first and ask questions later. Yes, I was a violent kid, because violence was the weapon used by my mother to answer all situations. We got beat--so, in true child of abuse fashion, I used my fists when I was angry. Of course, this was punished, both by school and at home, and eventually I learned that I needed to not do that. In the absence of a better way, however, I learned to repress my own emotions. Not for nothing was I a fan of Mr. Spock; I learned that by repressing my anger, I didn't hit people. But the downside of that was that, when I was good and angry, it all came out in a storm of anger--and when I'm that angry, I'm mean. This, I'm still working on. And I fail a lot, I'm sorry to say.

So now, when the violent aspect of my anger is nonexistent, the verbal vicious streak remains, as too many of my friends and family can attest. I do not like this, but it's very hard to work on. I've gotten better, but I'm still a long way from good. I've so far managed to avoid being mean to my child, but I do worry, because as she gets older it will be easier to get that angry. I do NOT want to be that guy. I have students who have cried on my shoulder over things their mom or dad said to them; I do not want to ever be that parent.

None of this history, however, excuses my actions. I need to find a way. Meditation doesn't really help, as I'm not meditating when I'm that angry. I need to learn to shut up and breathe before I speak.


*Somewhat obscure Geek reference, ignore it if you don't get it.