Grandpa-Watch, Day two

My grandfather can swallow, but the doctor says he'll never be able to get enough nutrition that way, so we're still faced with the choice of tubing him or letting him go. We're still looking at letting him go, because he'd be angry if we didn't, but my uncle is coming into town tonight to help with that decision and say goodbye.

Please, folks--don't tell me you're praying, or you're sending healing thoughts, or any of that religious/New Age stuff. It just irritates me. I appreciate the thought, but I can't help but roll my eyes. I know you mean well, but it just adds to my stress, so please, by all means pray or send energy or whatever--just don't tell me about it, ok? Thanks. If you're a friend of my aunt, by all means tell HER those things. Elli may appreciate it, too. But not me.

What you CAN tell me is that you're thinking of us. I do appreciate that. I just can't stand the magical thinking--no matter how much YOU believe in it, I do not. I respect your belief; I'm only asking that you respect mine while I'm too stressed to be polite about it.

I know I'm kind of being an asshat about that, but to be blunt: my crisis, my rules. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

You know what? I'll cope. Sorry if I offended anyone; I'm really not in my best place right now.

Stroke stuff

The neurologist tells us that for grandpa, it's like he went under for his surgery and woke up in China. He simply cannot process language easily; he understands some of what we say, but not everything. And he cannot speak at all; his only sound is a terrible grunting.

It's really hard to sit here; this is the man who terrified me as a child (though I loved him); a strong, powerful man who hunted well into his 60s and has never, ever had to rely on anyone else. Now he can't eat, talk, move half his body, understand more than a bit of what we say, and he is barely conscious. Since I arrived here at 11:00 this morning, he's been conscious for about 30 minutes total.

He doesn't even look like my grandfather anymore.

A funny moment in the middle of grief

The hospital provides free wifi. This is a blessing.

Anyway, this is brilliant: