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I'm two months from graduation.
Two months. In mid-May I am done. And between now and then, a group of men and women is going to sit down together and grill me over the coals. Then, when I've left, they're going to decide if I get to become a teacher through their program or not. And that is making me just a little crazed.
When I applied to Sac State, I knew it was possible I wouldn't get in, and I was afraid I wouldn't (even though I was "guaranteed" admission), but if I hadn't, it wouldn't have dashed my hopes completely. But this? If I don't get into the program I want, sure there are other programs. I'm applying to several. But I want this so bloody much that the fear of failing to get it, of being rejected by people I want to be my peers for the rest of my working life, is making me a wreck.
I'm lethargic, listless, my brain is fuzzy, and it's doing nasty things to my intestines. I've never felt this completely messed up. I feel like (and I realize it's silly, but...) my entire future is tied up in what happens over the next two months -- that my application to SCUSD and, should I not be accepted, Pipeline, and the attendant interviews, can fuck up the career I've been working towards.
In short, I am completely worried that all of this has been for nothing. Sure, if I'm denied teaching there are other careers -- even careers I could enjoy and be paid better in. But this path is my first choice, the career I've been working towards all this time. I know it isn't perfect -- I know it's a difficult, grinding job that will at times make me doubt my own sanity -- but I'm still entirely convinced it's the right choice for me. I want it like I've never wanted any other job.
So I need to find a way to get through this uncertainty and nervousness. I cannot be like this for the next two months.
Two months. In mid-May I am done. And between now and then, a group of men and women is going to sit down together and grill me over the coals. Then, when I've left, they're going to decide if I get to become a teacher through their program or not. And that is making me just a little crazed.
When I applied to Sac State, I knew it was possible I wouldn't get in, and I was afraid I wouldn't (even though I was "guaranteed" admission), but if I hadn't, it wouldn't have dashed my hopes completely. But this? If I don't get into the program I want, sure there are other programs. I'm applying to several. But I want this so bloody much that the fear of failing to get it, of being rejected by people I want to be my peers for the rest of my working life, is making me a wreck.
I'm lethargic, listless, my brain is fuzzy, and it's doing nasty things to my intestines. I've never felt this completely messed up. I feel like (and I realize it's silly, but...) my entire future is tied up in what happens over the next two months -- that my application to SCUSD and, should I not be accepted, Pipeline, and the attendant interviews, can fuck up the career I've been working towards.
In short, I am completely worried that all of this has been for nothing. Sure, if I'm denied teaching there are other careers -- even careers I could enjoy and be paid better in. But this path is my first choice, the career I've been working towards all this time. I know it isn't perfect -- I know it's a difficult, grinding job that will at times make me doubt my own sanity -- but I'm still entirely convinced it's the right choice for me. I want it like I've never wanted any other job.
So I need to find a way to get through this uncertainty and nervousness. I cannot be like this for the next two months.