Gaming stuff

A choice needs to be made.

I have a Stargate SG-1 rpg that is on hiatus until the semester ends. And I'm unsure whether or not I should resume it, for various reasons, some of which are internal, some of which are player-based. And I don't know how to handle it without being an ass.

So I'm considering whether or not I should scrap it for now and run a different game with a slightly different player-group, or just be up-front and say "Hey, I'm resuming the game, but sorry, you're not coming back," and "can we possibly figure out a different character for you to play?"

Ugh.

(no subject)

I just found out that an ex-girlfriend had a hysterectomy on Monday. I guess I need to get over my "I hate your fucking husband" thing and give her a call or something.

Man on the edge

I'm on the edge of a breakdown. I say that not to be melodramatic or histrionic, but because it is how I feel. Elli and I as a unit are doing fine. Me, as an individual? Not so much.

The work is hard. So hard. And I sit here, day after day, spouting theories on Emerson or Melville or Hawthorne, and I write endless papers on essays and stories written 150 years ago, and I find myself wondering "What's it all for?" Am I really going to be able to teach this? Am I going through all this only to discover, one day a few years from now, that I'm a hack?

It doesn't matter that I know I'm just wigging out. I was told by my Romanticism teacher that I ought to slightly revise my paper on The Scarlet Letter and submit it for the Bazzanella award, which is a campus literary competition. And that's great, but it doesn't alleviate my fears. Why? Because I'm crazy.

I'm scared. I'm terrified that I'll be crap in the end -- no number of As will convince me I know what I'm doing; I still feel like a complete fraud.

On top of all that, I'm perpetually hungry, I'm perpetually tired, and I'm just fed up. I'm sick of academia and self-importance and all the crap that goes along with it. I live for the day I can just lay in the hammock and sleep, or read something I don't have to write a paper on.

I want to see my friends again; I want to be in a position where I can call someone up and say "Dude, let's go out." I feel like I did ten years ago, before my period of affluence began (for those who didn't know me at the time or haven't read my journal much, it ended when, at 30, I left my company to return to school.)

And I'm almost totally unexcited about the classes I'll be taking next semester, to boot.