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Apr. 15th, 2004 09:31 am
State of the Mahdi
This is NOT a good time.
Aside from my relationship with Elli, which is still wonderful and good, my life is not doing so well. Or, rather, I'm feeling like it isn't.
I feel worthless, lately. I've been applying for a minimum of four jobs a day, often more, and I've heard back from only four companies in two months. When I've done callbacks to places I've applied, I've been told they hired someone for the position already. I have these nice skills that are really only useful in one or two companies here in town, and both have all the people they need. It's not fun.
I don't think I'll be getting another month's rent from my aunt (her generosity has already gone further than I'd hoped, and she's not rich), which is fine so far as it goes, but since there's been no movement on UI, I don't know how I'm going to manage to pay my rent this month. And that scares me, both for what it'll do to me, and for what it'll do to my roommate -- I mean, she clearly can't do it, either. And I can't see a way to fix this other than to get a job this week, and as much as I try, I can't guarantee that.
And yes, I've called all four of the temp places I'm registered with -- and got nothing. One of them even said she's got no orders at all this week.
This has all lead me to be on edge. My trusty old neck tension headaches, which I hadn't had for ages, are back. My head hurts from my right eye all the way down to the base of my neck on that side, and nothing seems to make it better. I'm afraid and bitchy and really not happy with reality just now. I can't think clearly, which really isn't helping my Statistics work.
And on top of all this, I'm feeling really disconnected from almost everyone. (Yeah, I know people have said "call me", but in this state of mind I'm really not likely to pick up the phone. It's a flaw I'm trying to deal with.) I feel like an island, watching everyone else go about their days while I stay here, sending out resumes, calling people, checking out endless "Work from Home!" leads hoping they aren't scams (and being disappointed every time) or, worse, commissioned sales jobs (which I have a really bad history with, because I SUCK as a salesman), losing track of the days to the point I had to be reminded yesterday that it was April. I'm not at my best; that much is certain.
Aside from my relationship with Elli, which is still wonderful and good, my life is not doing so well. Or, rather, I'm feeling like it isn't.
I feel worthless, lately. I've been applying for a minimum of four jobs a day, often more, and I've heard back from only four companies in two months. When I've done callbacks to places I've applied, I've been told they hired someone for the position already. I have these nice skills that are really only useful in one or two companies here in town, and both have all the people they need. It's not fun.
I don't think I'll be getting another month's rent from my aunt (her generosity has already gone further than I'd hoped, and she's not rich), which is fine so far as it goes, but since there's been no movement on UI, I don't know how I'm going to manage to pay my rent this month. And that scares me, both for what it'll do to me, and for what it'll do to my roommate -- I mean, she clearly can't do it, either. And I can't see a way to fix this other than to get a job this week, and as much as I try, I can't guarantee that.
And yes, I've called all four of the temp places I'm registered with -- and got nothing. One of them even said she's got no orders at all this week.
This has all lead me to be on edge. My trusty old neck tension headaches, which I hadn't had for ages, are back. My head hurts from my right eye all the way down to the base of my neck on that side, and nothing seems to make it better. I'm afraid and bitchy and really not happy with reality just now. I can't think clearly, which really isn't helping my Statistics work.
And on top of all this, I'm feeling really disconnected from almost everyone. (Yeah, I know people have said "call me", but in this state of mind I'm really not likely to pick up the phone. It's a flaw I'm trying to deal with.) I feel like an island, watching everyone else go about their days while I stay here, sending out resumes, calling people, checking out endless "Work from Home!" leads hoping they aren't scams (and being disappointed every time) or, worse, commissioned sales jobs (which I have a really bad history with, because I SUCK as a salesman), losing track of the days to the point I had to be reminded yesterday that it was April. I'm not at my best; that much is certain.
