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Feb. 13th, 2003
Feb. 13th, 2003 07:55 am
(no subject)
Tonight on television (I forget which channel) will be the new reality show, "Are you Hot?" which will take a bunch of men and women and, like "American Idol" without the talent, will winnow down the field until there is one man and one woman voted the hottest in America.
I have two thoughts on this:
1) This is absolutely horrible. These men and women will be judged solely on their looks, and any talent or intelligence they possess will be pretty much ignored. It's the absolute worst idea yet for a reality show.
2) I'll be watching it. I know, I'm horrible, but I can't resist -- especially watching frelling Lorenzo Lamas, of all people, dissing on contestants. He's apparently the Simon Cowell of this show, and I love the snarky answers I saw from him in the previews. Now, I doubt I'll continue to watch the show (just as I haven't watched American Idol after the first episode this year), but I can't help but see the first episode. I admit it -- pretty flesh is fun to watch.
By the Nine, I'm part of the LCD on this one.
I have two thoughts on this:
1) This is absolutely horrible. These men and women will be judged solely on their looks, and any talent or intelligence they possess will be pretty much ignored. It's the absolute worst idea yet for a reality show.
2) I'll be watching it. I know, I'm horrible, but I can't resist -- especially watching frelling Lorenzo Lamas, of all people, dissing on contestants. He's apparently the Simon Cowell of this show, and I love the snarky answers I saw from him in the previews. Now, I doubt I'll continue to watch the show (just as I haven't watched American Idol after the first episode this year), but I can't help but see the first episode. I admit it -- pretty flesh is fun to watch.
By the Nine, I'm part of the LCD on this one.
Feb. 13th, 2003 08:21 am
A couple of small thoughts...
*It's rare that I'll agree with someone and yet detest them. "Dr." Laura is one of those people. Sometimes I agree with what she says, but not the manner in which she says it. Shrill Shrieking Shrew, I dub thee Laura.
*Only now, in the SEVENTH year of my relationship, do I realise what a damned good catch I really am. Which came to me as I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, and did my homework all at the same time (relatively).
*Only now, in the SEVENTH year of my relationship, do I realise what a damned good catch I really am. Which came to me as I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, and did my homework all at the same time (relatively).
Feb. 13th, 2003 01:44 pm
(no subject)
There are times when I want to leave everything and everyone I know behind and start a new life somewhere far away.
This is one of those times.
Of course, it's just a dream -- if I truly wanted to, I would. But right now there's too much I would miss.
This is one of those times.
Of course, it's just a dream -- if I truly wanted to, I would. But right now there's too much I would miss.
Feb. 13th, 2003 08:54 pm
(no subject)
The problem with this journal is that I censor myself. Not so much in how I say things as in what I say. I'm not doing it tonight, though. I apologise, some of this will seem random as all hell.
As I've said before, I often feel I cannot write down my true feelings here because my friends read this thing, and there would be no real use to letting them see some of what I want to write -- it would only make them angry, or hurt them, or what-have-you. Sometimes, that self-censorship is a good thing, of course, but other times it's just tiresome.
And sometimes, of course, I just don't want to reveal something that could be turned against me. Some things, I don't trust even my friends with.
In a written paper journal, of course, I could say to hell with it and write my completely uncensored thoughts, just let the anger or the hurt or the joy flow across the page. But here, where everyone with a computer could read it? No. And private entries seem disingenous to me; I can't deny that this is here for people to read -- if I want an entry to be private, why put it here? By definition, anything posted here is meant to be seen.
*sigh*
I was taught not to make things hard on people, to apologise even if I think the other person fucked up if I don't think that they'll see they did wrong. I was taught to not rock the boat.
There's another flaw of mine; too often I just stand by and watch people do horrible things to each other emotionally, and I don't say anything because I know they would think it none of my business. But to me, if you hurt my friend, you made it my business -- even if you're my friend, too. And strangers? They don't deserve to be hurt, either.
Too often I've fumed as parents railed at their child in public. Too often, I've been hit by adab1 that bring back when those things were done to me. I have horrible self-esteem issues, despite what some people think; I actually don't consider myself to be of much worth to anyone. I was told damned near every day for nearly ten years how worthless I was; I was treated like a dog or worse quite often. And I see that being done to some poor kid because the parent's on a short temper over something that isn't the kid's fault, and I do nothing. And I know, so don't bother telling me, that if I did, the parent might take it out on the kid later. But hey -- maybe they won't. And maybe they'll stop, and think, and realise their error. Who knows? I certainly don't, because I haven't got the guts to confront them about their behaviour.
I'm told I frighten some people due to my size and my general temperament. But if those people ever saw beyond the mask of irascibility I project most of the time when dealing with the unknown masses, they'd just laugh. I created this face to survive a world in which I had no friends, no family, and no hope of ever being anything. And though it's nowhere near as powerful a shield as it once was (believe me, anyone who has known me for a decade can tell you I used to be MUCH worse), it's very hard to let it go completely.
Some of my friends think that we're defective because we disagree. Here's a wake up call, people. We sometimes disagree -- sometimes even stridently and with anger -- because we're different people. We're not all the same, and if we were we'd be boring as hell. We sometimes fight, we sometimes think each other to be an asshole, but when the chips are down, we stand together. Because we're friends. Let go of your worries; we're no different than any other group. I have noticed we're dissing on absent members much less recently, and that's a good thing, but don't start freaking out every time we don't see eye to eye, even if we're yelling at each other (which we rarely do). Imperfect humans argue, but that doesn't mean they're not friends.
One flaw we have as a group, though, I have no idea how to fix or even if it's possible. We are a vicious little clique, and it's very, very hard for outsiders to join. In some ways that's good, but it also hurts us. Not that we MUST bring new members in, but if someone is introduced to the group, we could all -- me AND you -- stand to be a little less bitchy to them. That goes both ways, of course, but we have to start somewhere. Elli knows what happens when you try to join us, and she had a great opening to the group. And no, NONE of our group is innocent of this. NONE of us. I know you probably think you're never mean or pissy or just rude to new people, but you are wrong.
For instance, I've tried to insinuate Ed and Stephanie into the group several times and frankly, they've been treated a bit shoddily by the Six. Ok, I mean Stephanie has. And yes, she can be difficult at times, but the fact is she's a great person who deserves better than she's gotten. And I feel bad for her, and I feel bad for the rest of you, who won't get to see that.
There's another part of this, too. I'm not sure if this is valid or if I'm just seeing things that aren't there, but I have a very specific feeling that while Elli's and Gregory's friends are treated quite well by our group for the most part, friends Terri and I had before the Six formed are not. And that bothers me, because I know these people are good people, and deserve to be treated better than they have. (There are some who don't, and they've not been introduced to the Six.)
And that's the end of my stream-of-conciousness entry.
If you've made it this far, give yourself a gold star. Feel free to comment honestly on anything you like, but don't think you're going to convince me to think other than I do -- these are my true feelings, not something you can convince me isn't correct with mere words.
1: The adab is a concept from Dune, "the demanding memory that comes upon you of itself."
As I've said before, I often feel I cannot write down my true feelings here because my friends read this thing, and there would be no real use to letting them see some of what I want to write -- it would only make them angry, or hurt them, or what-have-you. Sometimes, that self-censorship is a good thing, of course, but other times it's just tiresome.
And sometimes, of course, I just don't want to reveal something that could be turned against me. Some things, I don't trust even my friends with.
In a written paper journal, of course, I could say to hell with it and write my completely uncensored thoughts, just let the anger or the hurt or the joy flow across the page. But here, where everyone with a computer could read it? No. And private entries seem disingenous to me; I can't deny that this is here for people to read -- if I want an entry to be private, why put it here? By definition, anything posted here is meant to be seen.
*sigh*
I was taught not to make things hard on people, to apologise even if I think the other person fucked up if I don't think that they'll see they did wrong. I was taught to not rock the boat.
There's another flaw of mine; too often I just stand by and watch people do horrible things to each other emotionally, and I don't say anything because I know they would think it none of my business. But to me, if you hurt my friend, you made it my business -- even if you're my friend, too. And strangers? They don't deserve to be hurt, either.
Too often I've fumed as parents railed at their child in public. Too often, I've been hit by adab1 that bring back when those things were done to me. I have horrible self-esteem issues, despite what some people think; I actually don't consider myself to be of much worth to anyone. I was told damned near every day for nearly ten years how worthless I was; I was treated like a dog or worse quite often. And I see that being done to some poor kid because the parent's on a short temper over something that isn't the kid's fault, and I do nothing. And I know, so don't bother telling me, that if I did, the parent might take it out on the kid later. But hey -- maybe they won't. And maybe they'll stop, and think, and realise their error. Who knows? I certainly don't, because I haven't got the guts to confront them about their behaviour.
I'm told I frighten some people due to my size and my general temperament. But if those people ever saw beyond the mask of irascibility I project most of the time when dealing with the unknown masses, they'd just laugh. I created this face to survive a world in which I had no friends, no family, and no hope of ever being anything. And though it's nowhere near as powerful a shield as it once was (believe me, anyone who has known me for a decade can tell you I used to be MUCH worse), it's very hard to let it go completely.
Some of my friends think that we're defective because we disagree. Here's a wake up call, people. We sometimes disagree -- sometimes even stridently and with anger -- because we're different people. We're not all the same, and if we were we'd be boring as hell. We sometimes fight, we sometimes think each other to be an asshole, but when the chips are down, we stand together. Because we're friends. Let go of your worries; we're no different than any other group. I have noticed we're dissing on absent members much less recently, and that's a good thing, but don't start freaking out every time we don't see eye to eye, even if we're yelling at each other (which we rarely do). Imperfect humans argue, but that doesn't mean they're not friends.
One flaw we have as a group, though, I have no idea how to fix or even if it's possible. We are a vicious little clique, and it's very, very hard for outsiders to join. In some ways that's good, but it also hurts us. Not that we MUST bring new members in, but if someone is introduced to the group, we could all -- me AND you -- stand to be a little less bitchy to them. That goes both ways, of course, but we have to start somewhere. Elli knows what happens when you try to join us, and she had a great opening to the group. And no, NONE of our group is innocent of this. NONE of us. I know you probably think you're never mean or pissy or just rude to new people, but you are wrong.
For instance, I've tried to insinuate Ed and Stephanie into the group several times and frankly, they've been treated a bit shoddily by the Six. Ok, I mean Stephanie has. And yes, she can be difficult at times, but the fact is she's a great person who deserves better than she's gotten. And I feel bad for her, and I feel bad for the rest of you, who won't get to see that.
There's another part of this, too. I'm not sure if this is valid or if I'm just seeing things that aren't there, but I have a very specific feeling that while Elli's and Gregory's friends are treated quite well by our group for the most part, friends Terri and I had before the Six formed are not. And that bothers me, because I know these people are good people, and deserve to be treated better than they have. (There are some who don't, and they've not been introduced to the Six.)
And that's the end of my stream-of-conciousness entry.
If you've made it this far, give yourself a gold star. Feel free to comment honestly on anything you like, but don't think you're going to convince me to think other than I do -- these are my true feelings, not something you can convince me isn't correct with mere words.
1: The adab is a concept from Dune, "the demanding memory that comes upon you of itself."